Sunday, November 21, 2010

mcrib & the broham

you may have heard the recent mcrib rage. when serious eats wrote about it, i knew there was something to be discussed. so i referred to a conversation the broham and i had last winter, wherein
i learned about his mcrib addiction. but before
i present my first guest author, the broham, with his official mcrib review, i'd like to provide the following conversation excerpt:

bro: Me thinks it might be time to fetch some luncheon
ggz: lovely, what's on the menu?
bro: Mc fucking Rib. I hate myself.
ggz: ew no noooooooooooo don't do it!!!!!!
ggz: seriously mcrib? wtf?
bro: I know... I KNOW ARGH!
bro: I know it’s terrible, and I feel bad after I eat it. It’s like a horrible drug. Fucking heroin of the tummy. Fantastic while eating, and afterward...the guilt. BUT I CAN'T STOP DROOLING!!!! Okay, I'm going to get this filth, and I'll be back.
bro: I shall type a narrative to you of its filth. The very odd, nearly black "barbecue sauce" they put on it... I NEED IT NOW!!!! ARGH ::Leaves.::

so without further adieu, i bring you the broham:

the broham's mcrib review

"A boneless pork patty smothered with our tangy sauce, topped with pickles and chopped onions." It sounds innocent enough, but to eat one of these is surely to invite death. It is an unnatural creation brought from the darkest recesses of the McDick's test kitchen. And since the McRib resurfaced I've had four.

When you first open the box , you're greeted by a rather depressing sight. The bun usually sits off kilter, and the bright burgundy sauce has smeared inside the box. But they drown the fucking thing in it. Picking it up is something of an exercise in dexterity because when I say "smothered", I mean it. The bun tends to slip around a bit if you aren't careful. Biting into it is a startling sensation, because there is very little texture difference between the bun and the reconstituted pig hooves and ears they call pork. The bun if firm and the meat is spongy. The taste is like a tangy ketchup flavor mixed with a vague and generic "meat" flavor.

Each bite is more fantastic that than the last. The "flavor" punctuated by a salty fry or bubbly slurp of Coke (gotta have that value meal). It's a positively suicidal way to enjoy myself for the 15 or 20 minutes it usually takes me to devour it. And how do I know this is so suicidal? Because about 20 minutes after I finish I begin to feel what I describe as the "McBrick." And what is shocking is how true that feels. If you press on my stomach (which I invite you all to do, of course), it actually feels...hard. This is of course a sign that I am going to die within moments. And that's how I feel. And that's how I feel every time. And I'm going to have another. Or maybe I'll learn and stop doing this to myself. Nah.

Note: I would like to thank my dear sister for not only allowing me on her blog, but not disowning me.

double note (p.p.s.): go go zo DOES NOT condone the consumption of the mcrib or anything else golden arches related.

p.p.p.s: if you skip the bun, the mcrib is actually wheat-free (alarming, i know)


  1. LOL...internet slang is like McD's to food, but really I did.

  2. lol..not that i believe in internet speak any more than McD's for nutrition.